If I had to rate my four postpartum periods from 1 to 10–“1” meaning “horrible” and “10” meaning “amazing”–it would look like this: 4, 7, 2, and 9. 

Looking at periods three and four, you’re probably wondering, “So what changed?” 

What changed was the support and resources that I had. You know what? Let me change that–it was the support and resources that I sought.

After the birth of our third child, I did what many parents do; I went on with “life as usual”, and despite the uncertainties, anxiety, fear, exhaustion, and resentment I was feeling, I “pushed through”. Even after secretly being diagnosed with postpartum anxiety (yes, I said “secretly”–that’s a story for another time), I somehow convinced myself that I was strong enough to “handle it all”. I didn’t want to “bother” anyone…didn’t want to make anyone worry…and I had a lot to be grateful for, including the three children I had “asked for”, so I didn’t want to complain. 

I chose to suffer in silence.

Now, I’d be lying if I said that once our fourth child came, I laid down my “strong black woman” armor (we’ll talk about this later, too), confidently decided that “…this time WILL be different”, and went about executing change. The change was actually encouraged by my husband, who was afraid of history repeating itself.

But this time I chose to admit when I needed help, and I openly accepted and asked for the support that my husband, family, friends, and community provided. It was truly one of the best decisions I have ever made.

The difference in those experiences was so dynamic for me, that I made sure to encourage every expecting person that I knew to do what I did. It’s not always easy to ask for help, and many of us don’t always know what help we need; so whenever possible, I provided any postpartum support I could to friends and family, with the intention of being the difference they needed. 

I didn’t always know what a postpartum doula was; but what I have always known is that very few things bring me the fulfillment and pride that being that support for others provides.

This “work” is truly a labor of love for me.